Hoist the flag over the food banks, tell the world just who we are, paint the breakfast clubbing hungry kids red, white and blue; then snap them all in two to check they’re British through and through. Paint ensigns on hospital walls so our nurses can live on pride. Paying their bills using national fervour, an enchanted salute to the Union while slowly dying inside. Remind the Scottish who their boss is! You Welsh can bend the knee! Stop making a scene, now bow to the Queen and her wonderful, nuclear family. Tattoo the faces of asylum seekers (as if they’re not already scarred enough). Remind them just whose country this is as the tricolour ink tingles and burns and if they don’t like the idea then they can bloody well return. Fly the skull and crossbones over Parliament as they do deals with rich tax dodgers, a sign flying high, painting the sky with a message: “You’ve been jolly rodgered.”
