He’s mellowed a bit. I’ve had to put a stairlift in. He keeps losing his lightsaber and muddling it up with his walking stick. The kids on the estate seem hell bent on making his life a misery. They super glued a dead pigeon on top of his helmet yesterday. I can’t get it off. It’s starting to smell. And he won’t take that helmet off for love nor money these days. He even keeps it on in the bath.
We’ve had to go for separate bedrooms. His respirator needs a new part. Unfortunately, you can’t get it on Earth. He’s on an NHS waiting list but I fear all they will do is give him a cylinder of oxygen to wheel round. Every time he breathes it sounds like two cats fighting in a back alley. I’ve managed to muffle the sound a bit by sticking Tena ladies inside his helmet.
Shopping with the Dark Lord
I can’t take him to Tesco anymore either. Not after the club card advert; the power to lower prices. He’s convinced they are training Jedi there now and that Sharon on till number six is trying to kill him. He needs glasses too. I’ve booked him in at Specsavers next week. I know he won’t take his helmet off. They are going to have to make him a pair that fits over the top. I’m worried he’ll end up looking like a minion. And I’m going to have to take him to the butchers first and get the pigeon removed.
Fitting in
I’ve brought him slippers and a new cloak for his birthday. The black one is getting a little threadbare. I’ve gone for pink flamingos. I just think if he looked a little less dark side he would find it easier to fit in. We’ve been living in Byker for a year now and he hasn’t made one single friend. He needs a hobby too. I thought about bowls and bingo but he would just cheat. I’ve signed us up for flower arranging at the community centre instead. We may as well make the most of our bus passes.
He seems happy enough in himself. He was obviously very disappointed Ant and Dec are old, and that they didn’t reply to his fan mail. He only came to Earth because of Byker Grove. Wormhole travel isn’t totally accurate though, he landed thirty years too late. He’s managed to see the positives though, he’s a big fan of Wagner from the X-factor. He also loves Downton Abbey and synchronised swimming.
I’ve recently managed to get him into Only Fools and Horses too. He keeps saying “lovely jubbly” and “bonnet de douche, now. I can’t shut him up. I know he regrets getting stuck on Earth. And probably landing in my backyard. As for me, well I feel a bit like Grandad in Only Fools and Horses.
“I asked for an emperor burger! This is a cheeseburger!”
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