Us voting age Brits have grown accustomed to the routine of putting an x in a particular box before spending the next four years wishing we hadn’t. We may suffer buyer’s remorse considering who we’ve elected or which trading bloc we’ve excluded ourselves from, but at least we’ve always been able to cast a smug eye towards all those faraway places where they don’t do these things properly. The view from our democratic high-horse allows us to look down on countries whose elections are simply a charade held a few days before the President/Supreme leader/Chairman makes a triumphant return to the palace they’ve been living in for as long as any of their citizens can remember.
If you want a dictator, look to America
But what if we decided that a tweak to our own system is overdue, maybe a switch to some form of PR? Afterall, government by potentate rule seems to be all the rage, perhaps we should give it a go?
Traditionally countries where one man one vote literally means only one man gets to vote have been seen as home to our enemies. Fortunately, nowadays if we want to know how to go about rigging an election, a growing number of experts reckon there’s no need to look to Putin, Xi or Kim for inspiration, we can just take a peek across the Atlantic.
And we don’t even have to look very hard. Part of the reason every political heavyweight from Barrack Obama to Bruce Springsteen is worried Trump is planning to rig November’s mid-terms is that he keeps saying he wants to. He told Reuters “we shouldn’t even have” them, this from the man who promised his followers that if he regained the presidency, they wouldn’t have to vote for him again because “we’ll have it fixed so good.”
So, if you fancy a spot of jerrymandering maybe try following Trump’s template.
A beginner’s guide to rigging elections
No.1 Restrict who can vote
Let’s start with the absolute basics. For any aspiring dictator, one of the irritating things about an election is that some people may want to vote for your opposition. Okay, given time you can prevent that by banning all the other parties, but in the meantime, you’ll need to make it as hard as possible for anyone tempted to stray.
In America, Trump has come up with the Orwellian sounding Safeguard American Voter Eligibility (SAVE America) Act, which would require a multitude of potential subversives, like married women or anyone who’s never travelled abroad, to jump through numerous hoops before they even get within touching distance of a ballot paper.
He claims this will prevent fraudulent voting but as that’s been shown to hardly ever happen in the States it’s easy to conclude that disbarring the estimated 21 million citizens (9% of the voting age population) who lack the necessary paperwork is the real goal. In true one party state style, Trump reckons the SAVE Act would stitch-up every vote for generations to come ensuring the Democrats ‘ won’t win an election for 50 years and maybe longer.’
No.2. Election denial
Now, if you’re serious about doing away with elections then spreading the idea that the results can’t be trusted should be towards the top of your to do list. Then, once you’ve planted that seed, you’re just a short (goose) step away from announcing that they are a waste of time so you’re getting rid of them.
Trump has been cultivating Election denial for years. His 2020 mantra “Stop the Steal” was the chant of choice of the mob who stormed congress killing and injuring police officers along the way.
Six years later and Trump is still happily telling the world that he won three elections in a row and the Democrats can only win by cheating. So, when he announces he’ll only accept the results of the mid-terms if they are “honest”, he’s actually telling us that he’ll declare anything other than a Republican victory to be illegitimate.
No.3. Control the news
Okay, this one is as old as Moses and his tablets of stone; whoever writes the story gets to say who’s in charge. As it is with God so it is with elections. Get them on your side and the news media will tell people to vote for you and why voting for anyone else will cause everything from economic disaster to plagues of locusts and frogs.
Happily, any aspiring despot shouldn’t have too much trouble here as nearly every media outlet is owned by the sort of rich people who will always keep an autocratic ruler in power as long as they let them keep their bank accounts offshore.
In America, Trump’s billionaire cheerleaders own everything from The New York Times to Fox News. And, if another outlet dares to suggest that the world would be a safer place if the nuclear codes weren’t in the (tiny) hands of a convicted felon who fantasises about destroying civilisation, they just buy it. So, watching Trump’s poll ratings nose-dive, Jeff Bezos has gobbled up the Washington Post while Larry Ellison is swallowing CNN. Add in Zuckerberg’s Facebook and a thing called X owned by a thing called Musk and you’ve got dozens of hymn sheets but just one tune.
No.4. Intimidate the electorate
Any good dictator knows it doesn’t pay to be overconfident on election day, just ask Orban. After all, if you’re still allowing the populace to vote, what’s to stop them voting the wrong way? Well, how about a bunch of government controlled, masked goons who have spent the previous year terrifying, locking up and occasionally killing your fellow citizens, that should do it!
Along with imprisoning toddlers and gangland style executions the US Immigration and Customs Enforcement’s (ICE) campaign against anyone whose skin is on the dusky side or has a passing knowledge of Spanish has resulted in American citizens being so wary of arbitrary arrest that they are frightened to leave their homes or go to work. So why not replicate that fear on polling day?
Convicted fraudster and friend to Reform UK, Steve (The Trump Whisperer) Bannon used to earn his living developing strategy for Trump’s campaigns. He is openly calling on Republicans to deploy ICE officers outside polling stations, while both the former and current heads of Homeland Security have refused to rule out doing just that. After all, nothing says re-elect our Dear Leader like armed men patrolling the streets on election day.
No.5. Count the votes yourself
Now this really is an old school move. It may not make for an exciting race but it can lead to some fairly impressive margins of victory demonstrating just how much your subjects, I mean citizens, love you. Both Saddam Hussein and Kim Jong Un received 100% of the votes back in the day which may explain why Vladimir Putin is so angry all the time, knowing that only nine out of ten Russians voted for him.
To match those role models you’re going to have to get your hands on the apparatus of the election itself. Luckily, once again, America’s 47th president can show us the way. “We should take over the voting’ he said in February, “The Republicans ought to nationalise the voting.” He has lamented not seizing voting machines in 2020, has sent federal agents to confiscate voting records and promoted the redrawing of electoral maps to include extra seats in MAGA heartlands.
No. 6. Arrange an emergency
So, if you’ve followed all of Trump’s strategies you should be well on your way to stitching up any election you fancy. But what if the poll numbers are still not looking good? What if folks are still talking about the terrible job you’re doing and those photos of you with your buddy the paedophile?
In that case you’re going to need to arrange something really big and hope everyone forgets how much they hate you.
I guess you could always start a war.
